Hari Ro-zu

Crystal Rose in english. It's a book i want to write someday about a girl who discovers her past and who she really is. here's the emploug or whatever it's called.

The Escape

"GET HER OUT OF HERE!" those were her final words as the children fled the castle. Their father, dead, their mother, dead, everyone they knew and loved, dead. The castle they once called home was now in ruins. The town they'd offten play in was torn to shreds. It was more they could bare. They ran through the night as fast as their feet could carry them. The younger a child, a boy 8 years of age, glanced back behind his sholder at the once-beautiful kingdom. Tears welded up in his baby-blue eyes, he wanted so much to help, to block out all the screams of terror. The older one, a female of 12, lightly squeased his hand. "don't look back now." she scolded trying to sound brave and firm. But the truth was, she too, was scared. Her long blonde curls flew back in the wind. The storm was getting stonger. She clutched something tightly to her chest and pulled her cloak over it to protect it from the wind. "ROSE!" the boy gasped in suprise. Rose glanced behind her sholder only to see they were being followed. She swore under her breath. Rose acted quickly. She pulled some power-looking substence from a pouch in her pocket and blew it behind her. "that should hold them for now." she thought. "but no doubt they'll catch up to us." Rose turned towards her brother and knelt down so they were eye-to eye. "now seth," she said in a calm voice. "i have to stop these guys, it's your responsablity now deliver the package." "Do u know where to take it?" Tears streamed down Seth's face. He nodded. "very good." Rose said with a gentle smile. "But, what'll happen to you?" seth asked in a shaky voice. "don't worry, i'll be fine, just worry about her alright?" rose said whiping off his tears with her thumb. Seth nodded in took shaky, jerky breaths. "There they are!" a man's voice called. Rose's expresion turned urgent. She handed her brother the "package" and stood up. "GO!" she orderd him. Seth out the package under his cloak and took off. "HEY YOU!" one of the men called. Rose turned around towards the men. "who?" "me?" rose asked. "yes, you!" "give us the child or we'll kill you!" Rose smiled darkly. "i'm afraid i don't have her...." rose said matter-o-factly. "She must be with the boy!" one man said. "AFTER HIM!" the leader called. "And bring the Girl!" "YES SIR!" one of the men said. He started after her. Rose smirked. "you want me?" she asked smugly. "COME AND GET ME!" Rose's hands glowed pink as she started forward towards the men.

Seth breathed heavily. He was Almost there. "Please be save rose." he whimperd. The next thing he herd was a snapping and cracking noise. Suddenly, a tree fell in front of him. He let out a scream. "There you are!' an angry voice called. One of the men dashed out of the bushes towards him. Seth let out another yelp then leaped over the tree. He ran at full speed silently praying. Then, there it was. The portal! Seth glanced behind his back. The man was ganging on him. "No." Seath relized. "he's not catching up, i'm slowing down!" seth's muscles ached all over. He had pushed himself to hard, and was ready to give up. "yes, common little boy." the man said. "no." seth whisperd. "NO!" with a great burst of energy he leaped into the portal before it closed.

Something is missing.
Try using different words.
Word Choice affects a story more than you think. ^^

"Kitty's got a point, and aggh i'm so mad, i keep missing jay when he logs on!"

12kittycat1214 wrote:

Something is missing.
Try using different words.
Word Choice affects a story more than you think. ^^

Kitty is quite right~ An expanded vocabulary in literature will often prevent words from being repeated too often, and it will also give it a clean, smart atmosphere.
You've got it pretty good with the words, but everyone has room for improvement~

Spellcheck/Grammar check. Does wonders. I use it all the time. 8D

Aside from that, I think you might have a good story going here~ It seems to have a good motive, I'd like you to continue~ You don't have to post it up here if you don't want to though.

If you ever need any help, though, I'd love to help!

*fustrated* UHHHHHHHH if the story sucks just say so!!!!!! i'm not gunna get any freakin' improvment because if i want to do this kinda crap i have to be good at it. and let's face it, i suck at it! no more stories for now. and i'm deleting this one!!!!!!

afsangel wrote:

*fustrated* UHHHHHHHH if the story sucks just say so!!!!!! i'm not gunna get any freakin' improvment because if i want to do this kinda crap i have to be good at it. and let's face it, i suck at it! no more stories for now. and i'm deleting this one!!!!!!

WAH!
Don't delete it! I like it!
Don't say your not gonna improve~
Can you try for me? Pwweeassseee? *3*

No T_T

afsangel wrote:

No T_T

I'll draw you another piiicctuuuureeee if you doooooo~
C'monoonnn! I really like your work! I'm being honest, Your motive is good, you have true potential as an author, and I beleive you can improve!

thank you, but no. T_T not right now.

afsangel wrote:

thank you, but no. T_T not right now.

I didn't say right now~
But it would make me happy if you kept writing when you have the time~ I like your work alot!

*sighs unhappily* fine. but nothing major like this one and the stories i've writen before.

I didn't say it sucked!
*cries*
Why does this always happen to me?!?!

It has a great plot so far. It's also creative.

I fixed it!~

I love the anaphora of the word "dead" nice literature term use.

what's an "anaphora"? 8D

The repeating use of a word in a paragraph or series of sentences, making it seem more important to the writing. It also sticks in the readers' heads. ^^

DEAD DEAED DEAD DAEADDDA DIED PICKLE DEAD

What?
Pickle?
*confused*

HAHHAHA. i felt like putting that in there. maybe i'll make rose and seth on tektek.......

i didn't put a large desciption of what the two looked like: so here's a better depcription. Seth has brown hair and baby-blue eyes. Rose has long blonde curly hair and Brown eyes. I'd say ros eis alot like kitty, mature and gentle. While seth is kinda a cry baby. Rose is 12 years older than the baby, and seth is 8. and the book starts out with the heroine being 13 years old. by the end of the seris, i want her to be 18. The heroine (who does not have a name right now ^^') has brown hair and hazle eyes, her hair just touches the tps of her sholders. she also has a cruvy figure nd is descibed as being kinda cute. The elf she meets, (well, actually half elf, his father was a human) has wavy golden hair and emerled green eyes and pale skin. he is 14 at the beging of the book and is desribed by the heroine as "untainably beauitful for a boy"

The elf should be called Ian or Arty!

i like Ian! it's an awsome name!~

Sweetness!
Ian sounds so dreamy.

he's a dreamy boy. he has a very sarcastic persoanlity to!~

That is pure gold!
He can make sarcastic comments about unsupecting girls who fall in love with him! xD

actually, he's very handsom with a srcastic personality. and he does make cracks about the heroine loving him. he's one of those stubborn boys who doesn't like showing their true feelings so they make remarks and make fun of the girl in stuff. that's Ian for ya.