One thing leads to another

Sprite Number of posts : 1848

A long day

Alisa is a girl that lives in the country. Any direction you she could look, she can see wide open space. She has a lovely shade of blue hair and eyes and usually wears blue swell. Her parents were rich. Her parents died when she was 5 and when she was 10 her older brother left to find a new place to live. He never returned leaving Alisa doing everything to survive. Alisa grew into a beautiful women. Since Alisa was left with all the money she bought a new, big, house. Alisa didn’t have a job but still had enough money to last 19 years. She always took naps under the shady tree. She was always having strange dreams of someone calling help

She just got home from the store. It was a long, tiring, walk. It was very hot out. She was tiered and lied down under the tree. The grass was soft. So soft she fell asleep.
*I need... listen to... help... help... help...................*
Suddenly Alisa awoke. “Another dream like that again. I need to find a way to help that voice... I think...” Alisa went inside her house to read the paper. She was looking when she noticed an add. She read aloud to herself to see what it was about. “Do you want to be a rancher? You can move to the wonderful Horeon village. A nice ranch will be waiting for you if you call 1-800-559-1082. Call Now to buy this ranch at 1-800-559-1082. Only 155$. I know! I’ll move to Horeon Village. Be the new rancher! and maybe I’ll find that person”
Alisa packed her bags, and sure enough the next day she boarded the train. She was determined to find him or her. “More tea miss” asked the waiter again. Alisa was full of tea and replied with a polite no thanks. It was going to be a long day. Alisa was bored as ever. She was looking out of the window for a whole 2 hours, She lost all of her interest for trees at the moment. She read her book twice already and had about 6 cups of tea. She usually loved listening to birds but now she didn’t want to hear another sound. After a while Alisa nodded off.

Subject: Re: One thing leads to another Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:40 am

Cool!

I like the story, but the beginning is a bit iffy for me. It isn't bad exactly, but I think you might want to change it so that you don't say it exactly like that. you might want to change it to:

Alisa was tretching through the streets, going home from the store.

Home....yeah right. her parents, rich people they had been, had died when she was five. Then her rbtoher had left not five years later to find a place to live. She ahd the money left to herself, but she'd had to survive on her own.

Alise suddenly stopped int front of a store window, studying herself in the mirror-like glass. Blue hair fell beautifully to her waist. Even that was normal for this part of the country. Eyes blue too, blue as the noonday sky. She even wore blue.

and so on....

I hope I didn't liek make you mad or anything.